it is the end of tennis season and i JUST finished with districts!!!
honestly, it wasn't that bad. i think i've established a good bond with my current doubles partner.. we were SO CLOSE to winning !!! but we lost :( ON A DEUCE !!! worst loss of my life tbh. i was so disapointed i left immediatly when it was over. on the bright side, its almost summer and im SOO EXCITED for my summer plans. my friend have been talking about going on a summer road trip !! it sounds so fun !!
OH !! and i've moved up the tennis ranks !! number 10 babyy !
vent
tennis is my personal hell
every game i play i think its going to be different. "maybe this time i'll be better", "maybe this time my teamates will actually be nice to me", but that never happens.
today, i didn't play tennis-because of my piano lessons- and thank god i didn't. it seems that eveytime i do i fuck up, big time. i don't even know what's wrong with me. it's not like im bad- i mean i can hit the ball- but sometimes i just get so fucking nervous that i hit the ball wrong or i don't understand whats going on during a match. and it wouldn't be so bad if my teamates weren't so fucking mean. they're my friends for gods sake but they treat me like a burden. i'm not even that bad. i rank number 14 in a 39 girl team, and i hit the ball everytime i recieve, i serve pretty well, but every person i get paired with-people who are suppsed to be my friends- are just MEAN. i get that my friends are really skilled at tennis (they rank in the upper 10s) but that doesn't mean they can blame every failure on me. sometimes, THEY miss a hit and then blame me?? and after a match, EVEN when they fucked up just as many times as i did, they complain about ME.
maybe its my fault, maybe i should defend myself, complain about other people like they complain about me, but i dont. i cant, theyre my FRIENDS. i think, sometimes, i too nice of a person, sometiems during a match ill get too nervous and say SORRY really loudly. sometimes my friends will roll their eyes or get mad at me for being nervous, but i cant control it for gods sake. maybe i should speak up for myself, maybe that will get them to finally back off and be nice to me. but ive been nothing but nice and courtious to them and i cant remember a single time they have repayed that to me. like how im always the one to pay for everyones food when we;re out at restaurants, or how im always the person to give everyone rides to places. they all just ask and ill say yes. and everytime i do, i think that theyll be nice to me, that theyll finally take me seriosuly and not just make jokes about me, but they dont.
every good deed is overshadowed by my mistakes. how come im always the friend they come to for rides but dont invite me to places? how come the only time im invited is when im needed for rides? how come when i say 'no', im always ignored and casted as selfish. im not. i get that theyre competative people, i get that the jokes are funny, but i would like reasurance that they actually like me from time to time. and, some of my other friends in the group arent that great at tennis, but they could hit the ball ONCE and they get showerede with praise. its not even that im a bad tennis player, i think they just dont like me as a person. if im such a bad doubles partner, than why am i always everyones substitute partner? why am i always the person to comfort people when they lose a match? why dont i get comfort when i lsoe a match? why am i always met with critisism and mean comments when everyone else gets hugs and encouragement? one of my friends friends said i had "no personality" when they dont even know me. is this how people see me? am i boring?
i ALWAYS think about other people, ALWAYS. does anybody think about me?
haiiiii
i've been listening 2 a lot of SZA and kali uchis(their voices are turly magical) lately. i got stuff done today !! i drew 1 full art piece and 2 doodles !! which is more than i usually do in a day+ i finished one of my asssignments *whew* !! . unfortunitly, i still have a lot more homwork to do, AND i want to squeeze in some fanart before tomorrow.
tomorrow my friend V is coming over and we're going to watch The Boy And The Heron and complete this giant harry potter puzzle she has!!
i really like her. she's one of my closest friends right now and i really love spending time with her.
& i get to spend more time with her on sunday along w my other friends !! we're going to a park w a tennis court ! i'm not thattt talented at tennis, but it's still one of my favorite sports. i'm so excited for tomorrow !!
... but i do have to do some cleaning before she come over.. sad..
the mall trip went so well !!!
me and my friend actually had a lot of fun !! we laughed a bunch! and, even though our interests aren't compatable, he still accompanied me to the romance section of barnes and noble (and even went to sephora with me !!!!).
let me show y'all what i got !!
MAGICAL GIRL STICKERS !!! [CRYYY]
when i saw these i knew i HAD TO get them !!!!! i going to have so much fun decorating my jounral ![BAWLING]
i normally would'nt spend this much money($52) on lip products but i had a giftcard so i decided to splurge
i think a good lippie is essential !
my favorite is the mango balmdotcom. it smells so dang good.
WOTAKOI VOLS 2-3
i love this series, so, so much. i would go to war for these characters. when i finished the first vol, i was ready to murder someone. it's a good thing i got the other volumes.
all in all, i would say this trip went very well.
i created a strogner bond with my friend, used a giftcard that was rotting in my wallet, and bought some essentials(wotakoi:love is hard for otaku).
i hope i get to have more days like this.
i'm a couple of days into the break and i'm already rotting.
tommorrow, i'm going to the mall with one of my friends. i don't really hang out with him very much. we have different interests and he hates mine. it's not that he's a horrible person, just that he's very upront and straight forward about things. and that fine- i have other friends like that- but when he does it, i don't really know if he's joking.
also, i found out this morning by one of my friends that one of my other friends doesn''t actually like me. according to her, i have "zero personality", and i'm "too clingy". i admit, i do hug people a lot, and sometimes i don't pull back from a hug fast enough, but i think i have plenty personality and none of my other friends ever complain to me about it.
it sounds silly to be worrying about this when my grades are due next week and i have a ton of assignments to complete, but i really thought we were friends. it's sad that it took this long for my friends to tell me. this makes me think, do my other friends think this way, and are not saying anything just to be polite, or, am i over thinking this?
i don't really like to talk about this stuff because i don't want to sound over-critical, but this really worries me :C
